ilovenfeelmydays











{May 1, 2014}   If you have

I am now on a bench in a department store. Typing this next to my BF who’s sleeping. It’s like a ridiculous situation for a date.
I sometimes feel “omg what am I doing?”
And
“Is he interested in me?”

Dunno why, I still love him that much.



{November 2, 2013}   Losing control

When I suddenly lose control of my mind,
My boyfriend says “I don’t understand. What’s up?”

And I say “nothing”

Coz I don’t understand neither.

I covered up what I’ve felt too much, n when it explodes, I can’t figure out what were the reasons.

Damn. Can’t sleep.

…I couldn’t say

Help me please. Don’t leave me alone now.



{September 29, 2013}   I’ve been feeling,

I’ve been feeling, something so difficult.

I realized. I’m tired out.
Is the situation that bad?
Nah, it’s not.
Just I’m stressed so bad.

Even though everyday is not “way too” bad, I’ve been feeling stress. And then, the stresses are piled up in my heart.

I wanna cry now.
Don’t know how though.

I don’t wanna go work.
I don’t.

Recognizing the stress is important, I know.
That’s why I’m saying.
I am stressed out.
I don’t wanna work.

But yeah, I’ll go to the office tomorrow.

I traveled with my boyfriend.
He’s never said “I love you”, “wanna see you”, or “miss you”
That’s so sad and makes me worry if he really loves me.
But I got to know these days, “Ah, he’s a Japanese n the way he shows me the love is the way normally Japanese people do.

I learnt what is love from an American.
And that was all for me.

How poor he is!
I don’t tell him my ex was an American yet.
I cannot feel his love well by what he does.

I gotta change.
I’m a Japanese.

Fortune paper(at a temple)
Told me,

“You are doing well. Be careful for ur health, but others are great. The wind is pushing your shoulder to go forward. “



{July 12, 2013}   Working

Working is tough nowadays.

But it makes me satisfied.

I’ve been mad at everyday.
I’ve been making mistakes.

I do not know about what I should do enough.

But I’m satisfied.

The more I work hard, the more I become useful.



{June 15, 2013}   My mom.

“Hey, I’m thinking about moving to Tokyo wiz ur stepdad. How do you think?”

My mom said on a phone.

“— go do whatever you want. No problem wiz that for me, but…”

I was in a restroom at a station in the morning.

“Can you take my sis with you? I can’t take care of her, I’m a new worker this year n she’s studying to enter a university. I can’t take care of her heart enough.”

She laughed.

“I’m kidding”

“What!?”

“Im kidding. I was just curious——-”
“—-don’t call me to say such a damn joke! I gotta go to the office!”

I hinged up the phone. Train came n I got mad at her. Is she a kid?

Later, she told me
” I was guessing sis would say ‘Im fine if I can live with Yuna’. And you would say ‘ I’m fine but I can’t take care of sis.'”

She was right.



{May 21, 2013}   Loving?

My days are fine.
I wake up at 6:00 n go to bed around10:00-11:00.

Learning about new stuffs about my new job.
Everyday, I learn n learn n learn.

And I look up the sky every night.

…need to get used to this.

My friend told me,
Fear is the thing which fill her heart.

Yeah, we’ll start working at branches next month.

I admire my coworkers.
They are smart.
N I?
No, not enough.
I know.

What I can do is staying funny.

Hey,
Love the crazy days!
I got to be here, n I’m lucky enough

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{May 20, 2013}   My hobby is running away

My hobby is running away.

Running away from the current situation.

Yesterday,
I was irritated so much.

I was sad.
And annoyed.

Then I started reading books—to run away from the current situation.

I draw a lot. So often.
It makes me calm.

I have my own world, which doesn’t relate to anything or anyone.

Just my brush or pen knows what it would be.

And I suddenly lose the interest to the drawings when it is done.

I draw to draw.
I draw to run away from everything.
I draw coz I love “drawing”, not what I drew.



“Call me maybe”
“We are never ever getting back together.”

They make me feel up!

Love their PV too.

I went to Starbucks wiz mom today.

She said,
I made a mistake while bringing u up.

I said,
What’s it?

“You are emotional, pure, and honest. So I’m the one who made you logical.”

That’s what she said.



{May 6, 2013}   Bird?

I wanted to fly! 😉

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{May 6, 2013}   When you died, I was 16.

When you died,
I was 16.

You told me, you wanted to live till I would turn 20.
But when you died, it was just about 1 week later from the day you said so.

I am early 20’s already and started working last month.
—At the company you worked.

I stayed at the dorm which you stayed when u were 16.
I had lectures where u had.
I learned what you did as a job.
And yes, I will do what your coworkers did.

I got a paycheck last month.
It was the first paycheck I got.
I bought a bottle of the most expensive rice wine at a department store.

Dad ..

If you lived, I could drink this wiz you.
I wish I could.
It was tasty.
Now I can understand you better than before, dad.

He was an alcoholic.
He had depression
and diabetes.

I hated him when he was alive.
Honestly.

Yesterday, I fought wiz mom n freaked out,
My mom said,
“You do what he did!”

When he did it, I hated him n didn’t understand what he was doing.

But now, I do know the feeling. I do know, whether good or bad, I do.

The older I get, the more I understand him.

It made me feel guilty.
I hated him, wished him to die.
And now, all the reasons I hated him is kinda understandable— he wasn’t strong enough to live without healthy body, sports, and alcohols.

When he died, I felt his love. I realized, he loved me n my heart remembers when he didn’t have those disease.

I’m gradually understanding him.

Which makes me feel difficulty. Guilty, and something else.

Like—-
I came far away from there,
And
Time doesn’t pass for him anymore.

I’m here, dad.
Do you see me?



et cetera